twistedthistle

I bought hair dye today

Wed, 31 May 2006 08:40:40 GMT

Someone save me if you will. Save me from the wreck I make of myself and others. I'm definitely more than a smidge worried about my own personal mental health. I can not actually recall a time in which I felt this way. I feel so terribly self destructive like irrational thoughts are sounding so wonderful but at the same time I'm still rational thank all thats good and not succumbing to them. Why they are even there are beyond me. how close am I to snapping? Seriously I feel like I'm only a few days from an actual nervous breakdown. of actually just screaming till my face turned blue while tearing at anything my hands can wrap themselves around. I've never felt this way so distinctly. I'd be lying if all of my thoughts just were pure and oh life is ok. but they aren't I'm not even focusing on the bad I'm just feeling hurt with no outlet. I can't possibly think of any intelligent way to release all of this fucking angst and pain and terror and grief. It's just been growing and festering. I need to go scream . I need to stop acting as if life is ok. I need to release it all but I haven't the faintest clue how to anymore. I'm so lost

Manic depressive

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 04:58:36 GMT

My mother thinks thats what I am. She may be right. I could have gotten everything from my father that scares and worries me. But I'm not so sure. Its pretty well known that I absolutely adore my friend Mark. I know that he is indeed a manic depressive. He ran out of his meds a couple days back so he is as he himself puts a little off balance. Tonight the depression side started taking over little by little. By the end of it he was speaking like most people who are feeling suicidal do. He signed off and is not answering his phone. I'm horribly frightened for him right now. I've had my periods of depression kinda in one right now. But I've never been like that. I can't relate to his situation I can't offer any help. I'm so lost right now.

all the world is waiting for the sun

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 07:17:49 GMT

I think the day just doesn't work the same if I'm not in some way shape or form reminded that I'm kinda lonely right now. I can't really explain it to those around me either. I'd say I'm lonely and I'm reminded that hey guess what, I've done a most excellent job of isolating myself. But its a lil bit different than what they think it is. I've isolated myself from them. Trying to hang out with them and do things was too difficult and I'm too different at this point. But I still want human companionship. Wait thats not true. I want human affection. I want to be loved. I want someone to touch my hand gently and send shivers up my spine and a warm flush to my cheeks. I want to kiss someone with an urgent passion of which only they can relate. I want to feel wanted. I crave human touch right now its unbelievable. Old feelings are being rekindled for no other reason than I remember what it was like to be touched by them. Whats worse is I'm not really in a position to go " on the prowl" I want to move. wanting to move I'm not gonna want to leave anyone behind. This is such a hard place to be. To be emotionally and physically lonely and have no real outlet. I get told on a regular basis that I'm pretty or beautiful. But I don't feel that way. I feel like when I move I'm just gonna be even more lonely. I'm afraid of so much right now. And I'm so tired of feeling lonely and sick and just horrible. My self esteem has seriously taken a nose dive recently. I can't say why for I don't know. Technically I'm at the healthiest weight and such than I ever have been (which says something since I weigh like 15 lbs more than I used to) but I don't like how I look. I don't even like how I think at this moment. Everyone has made resolutions to change themselves for the better. Before I can do that I really need to figure out what exactly I don't like about myself. What about the way I think makes me feel so disgusted with myself everyonce and a while. Why I don't feel attractive. why I don't like being jai anymore. Maybe the first step is putting that name to rest and sticking with Jessica. Don't know what difference that would make. Never liked being jessica either. But its not about the name its about me and I'm still lost.
I'm gonna end this with my newest favorite song Rain:
Take a photograph, it'll be the last
not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here
i don't have a past i just have a chance
not a family or honest plea remains to say

rain rain go away come again another day
all the world is waiting for the sun

is it you i want or just the notion of your heart to wrap around
so i can find my way around
safe to say from here your getting closer now
we are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

rain rain go away come again another day
all the world is waiting for the sun

rain rain go away come again another day
all the world is waiting for the sun

to lie here under you is all that i could ever do
to lie here under you is all

to lie here under you is all that i could ever do
to lie here under you is all

rain rain go away come again another day
all the world is waiting for the sun

rain rain go away come again another day
all the world is waiting for the sun
all the world is waiting for the sun
all the world is waiting for the sun